Grande parte da minha vida eu passei com um sentimento que, vez por outra, aparecia na superfície e me dizia que eu não estava me empenhando o suficiente na vida.
Eu sempre fui uma pessoa bastante ativa e muito responsável. Desde pequena, obedecia à minha mãe e cumpria todas as minhas tarefas: ir à escola, arrumar minha cama, manter meus brinquedos e livros em ordem etc, além do dever de casa. E ainda arrumava tempo de sobra pra brincar, pintar e bordar. Quando minha mãe voltou à força de trabalho, assumi a responsabilidade pela casa no período da tarde, depois da escola. Aos 9 anos, cozinhava, limpava e cuidava do meu irmão menor.
Arrumei o primeiro emprego aos 15 anos de idade. Trabalhava o dia todo e estudava no período noturno. Me formei no segundo grau técnico com emprego na área já firmado; depois, estudei línguas e, quando me casei, aos vinte e dois anos, já falava inglês e alemão. Terminei a faculdade e fui enviada à Alemanha pra um treinamento de especialização pela empresa onde trabalhava.
Mesmo depois de muitos anos de trabalho, empilhando qualificações adicionais à minha profissão, várias promoções e 'sobrevivendo' a diversos chefes que não sobreviveram às mudanças que toda empresa passa, de tempos em tempos, aquela sensação de incapacidade teimava em me assombrar.
Tinha minha independência financeira, casa própria, carro, celular e uma vida social saudável. E até um ou outro 'amigo' que cedo ou tarde iria se revelar invejoso da vida que eu levava.
Naquele ponto da minha vida, já tinha maturidade o suficiente pra decidir que era hora de investigar melhor o que era aquele aperto no estômago que me dava quando escutava alguém dizer 'meus planos para os próximos 5 anos são...' ou 'é preciso mudar de emprego a cada quatro anos pra não estagnar' ou 'o mercado imobiliário está em alta, vou investir em imóveis' ou 'estou aumentando meu network'.
Para justificar minha inabilidade de planejar e traçar meu futuro como essas pessoas, eu costumava dizer que 'eu aceitava as oportunidades que a vida me dava'. Mas, esse argumento não soava como suficiente, nem pra mim mesma!...
O 'aperto no estômago' que sentia era o sintoma físico causado pelo pensamento de incapacidade de ser bem sucedida na vida como todo mundo que eu conhecia. Investigando minhas emoções e atitudes, comigo mesma e com a ajuda de uma terapeuta, aprendi que eu era sim muito capaz (até de despertar inveja nos outros!) e que havia conquistado muitas coisas, materiais e não-materiais, e que se não eram as mesmas coisas que meus amigos e colegas de trabalho tinham era porque nossas prioridades eram diferentes, afinal éramos pessoas diferentes!
Anos mais tarde, depois de viver diversas realidades e situações que enriqueceram muito minha visão das coisas e da vida, me sinto, finalmente, em paz com minha atitude de tomar decisões de acordo com as oportunidades que a vida me dá! Claro que almejo algumas coisas e faço planos básicos para alcançá-las, mas, recebo bem qualquer alteração ou plano B que se apresente necessário no meio do caminho.
Buda costumava lembrar a todos que 'desejo é uma coisa perigosa e que pode trazer muita insatisfação e frustração'. Quando ouvi esse ensinamento pela primeira vez, pensei 'taí, eu não desejo muito da vida, por isso nunca fui muito de planejar o futuro' e, provavelmente, exatamente por causa disso lido bem com os problemas que aparecem, sem cair numa frustração profunda. :-)
... continua...
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Much of my life I spent with a feeling that, occasionally, would appear on the surface and tell me that I wasn't putting enough effort in my life.
I've always been a very active and very responsible person. Since childhood, I was obedient to my mother and used to fulfil all my tasks: go to school, make my bed, keep my toys and books in order etc, besides homework. And even managed to make time to play and enjoy myself. When my mother returned to the workforce, I took responsibility over the house in the afternoons, after school. At age of nine, I used to cook, clean-up and look after my younger brother.
I got my first job when I was 15 years old. I used to work all day and study at night. I graduated from Technical High School already employed in that industry; later studied languages, and by the time I got married, at twenty-two, I already spoke English and German. I finished college and was sent to Germany for training specialization by the company where worked at the time.
Even after many years of work, collecting additional professional qualifications, getting a number of promotions and 'surviving' many bosses who didn't survive the changes that every company goes through, from time to time, that feeling of incapacity stubbornly haunted me.
I've always been a very active and very responsible person. Since childhood, I was obedient to my mother and used to fulfil all my tasks: go to school, make my bed, keep my toys and books in order etc, besides homework. And even managed to make time to play and enjoy myself. When my mother returned to the workforce, I took responsibility over the house in the afternoons, after school. At age of nine, I used to cook, clean-up and look after my younger brother.
I got my first job when I was 15 years old. I used to work all day and study at night. I graduated from Technical High School already employed in that industry; later studied languages, and by the time I got married, at twenty-two, I already spoke English and German. I finished college and was sent to Germany for training specialization by the company where worked at the time.
Even after many years of work, collecting additional professional qualifications, getting a number of promotions and 'surviving' many bosses who didn't survive the changes that every company goes through, from time to time, that feeling of incapacity stubbornly haunted me.
I already had my financial independence, a house, a car and a quite healthy social life. And even one or two 'friends' that eventually would prove envious of the life I led.
At that point in my life, I was already mature enough to decide it was time to investigate further what was that pinch in the stomach I would have when I heard someone say something like 'my plans for the next 5 years are ...' or 'pne must change jobs every four years to not stagnate' or 'the real estate market is high, I will invest in property' or 'I'm increasing my network'.
To justify my inability to planning and drawing my future like those people, I used to say that 'I accepted the opportunities that life gave me.' But that argument didn't sound like enough, not even to myself!...
The 'stomach pinching' feeling was a physical symptom caused by the thought of inability to be successful in life like everyone I knew. Investigating my emotions and attitudes, with myself and with the help of a therapist, I learned that I was very capable (up to arouse envy in others!) and that I had achieved many things, material and nonmaterial, and that it they were not the same things that my friends and colleagues had it was because our priorities were different, after all we were different people!
Years later, after living different realities and situations that greatly enriched my view of things and of life, I feel finally at peace with my attitude of making decisions according to the opportunities life presents me! Sure that I pursue some things and do basic plans to achieve them, but I deal well with any change or plan B that appears necessary on the way.
Buddha used to remind all that 'desire is a dangerous thing and can bring a lot of dissatisfaction and frustration'. When I heard that teaching for the first time, I thought 'that's it, I don't expect much from life, so I've never been much of planning for the future', and probably exactly because of that I can tackle the problems that arise, without falling into deep frustration . :-)
... to be continued ...
At that point in my life, I was already mature enough to decide it was time to investigate further what was that pinch in the stomach I would have when I heard someone say something like 'my plans for the next 5 years are ...' or 'pne must change jobs every four years to not stagnate' or 'the real estate market is high, I will invest in property' or 'I'm increasing my network'.
To justify my inability to planning and drawing my future like those people, I used to say that 'I accepted the opportunities that life gave me.' But that argument didn't sound like enough, not even to myself!...
The 'stomach pinching' feeling was a physical symptom caused by the thought of inability to be successful in life like everyone I knew. Investigating my emotions and attitudes, with myself and with the help of a therapist, I learned that I was very capable (up to arouse envy in others!) and that I had achieved many things, material and nonmaterial, and that it they were not the same things that my friends and colleagues had it was because our priorities were different, after all we were different people!
Years later, after living different realities and situations that greatly enriched my view of things and of life, I feel finally at peace with my attitude of making decisions according to the opportunities life presents me! Sure that I pursue some things and do basic plans to achieve them, but I deal well with any change or plan B that appears necessary on the way.
Buddha used to remind all that 'desire is a dangerous thing and can bring a lot of dissatisfaction and frustration'. When I heard that teaching for the first time, I thought 'that's it, I don't expect much from life, so I've never been much of planning for the future', and probably exactly because of that I can tackle the problems that arise, without falling into deep frustration . :-)
... to be continued ...
